This past week was a challenge on so many fronts. It felt like a barrage of strife was raining down on my head and on the heads of those around me. The "funny" thing is that often, I will have had this feeling that HaShem is teaching me something just before I really REALLY need to have learned that lesson. Sometimes I learn the lesson in time, other times I don't. In this case, I don't think I quite hit the mark in time. This is just one of innumerable reasons why I am thankful for a Creator who is patient in His teaching and who miraculously turns my blunders into blessings when I fail.
I don't think I will talk about the actual circumstances of this past week for several reasons. Not the least of which is that there were others involved and I don't think they'd appreciate that. I will just say that a situation came up which needed to be handled delicately and, for my part, I think I failed. I think my actions ended up hurting people I love and, for the past few days, I have been analyzing what I could have done differently.
I've been making this mental list...making an assessment...stating the facts: 1. A situation arose and someone needed to be addressed by someone other than myself. 2. I went to a person who is wise and my elder and they also took on the burden. 3. I told no one else of the issue.
I believe my actions were correct, yet things did not really turn out well.
For the past several weeks, HaShem has put this thought in my mind and heart; Don't pick up burdens that do not belong to you. Live a life of praise and follow the path of righteousness and TRUST that you are being led exactly where you need to go.
I think that's the thing that I didn't quite grasp and which would have made all the difference. I allowed myself to be so disturbed that I didn't trust. I might have done exactly what I was supposed to do, but I know I didn't give it to Elohim. I was trying to work things out from the kindness of my own heart, but the truth is my heart is deceitful. It lies to me all the time and listening to it, I become a fool.
So, looking back, I'm still not quite sure what actions, if any, I would have changed. I only know that I should not have tried so hard to fix this on my own. I should have been in prayer much more. I should have remained silent when I wasn't full of love and when I knew my focus was askew.
Things are still not 100% better, but I pray that I have really learned what I was supposed to from all of this. I want to be a gentler person. I want to trust my Creator more every day and let Him teach me what kindness really is. ...My human kindness is worth nothing at all.
Avinu, I pray that your will would be done and that we would forgive all sins as you forgive us.
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